why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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