Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
