in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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