You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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