Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
