you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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