the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Just puked most of my soul out..
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