Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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