don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize