I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you would pick up someone in the library
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You can't just leave with hair like that
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
