Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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