Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
