It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Randomize
