I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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