Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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