Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
