Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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