I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize