Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
