I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize