I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
