sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
