Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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