She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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