I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
