I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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