I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I forget how to act sober
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
