That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
