Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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