I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
