and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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