i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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