I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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