Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
