is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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