my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
