I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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