i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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