Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Boobs speak an international language.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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