he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
