If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just gift wrapped bread.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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