His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
