i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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