Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
