On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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