I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
