yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
