why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize