I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
