it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
