Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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