When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Can't talk, ducks in the car
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
