please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
