He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize