Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
