Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
