I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
and eventually we just all took our pants off
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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